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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25285420">If Only</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeonDomino/pseuds/NeonDomino'>NeonDomino</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Feels, Azkaban, M/M, Sad Sirius Black, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin Raise Harry Potter, Sirius Black in Azkaban, wolfstar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 09:54:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,313</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25285420</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeonDomino/pseuds/NeonDomino</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>As he sits in his cell, Sirius considers what life would have been like if only he had raised Harry with Remus' help.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>47</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>If Only</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written 2014</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><hr/>
<p>Sirius had a long time to think about it, years in fact. What he would have done if he had been free, if he had been able to take Harry in as his own son after James and Lily were betrayed. How he would have raised the boy, because that's all he had - his thoughts and his dreams. He had little else.</p>
<p>When the Dementors weren't too close to his cell, he could almost picture it. He could almost see himself settling Harry into his and Remus' flat. Changing the colours of the small study into red and gold, and making it a room that Harry would love. There would be a painting of Lily and James on the wall, so Harry could feel close to his parents.</p>
<p>He would be the one to teach Harry to do things like feed himself, but he knew that Remus would be the one trying to potty train him, because Remus, who would read every book he could find on children, would think he knew how to deal with the issues better.</p>
<p>As Harry got a bit older, they would arrange taking him out with other children close to his age. The Weasleys had boys only a year older, and they had another little boy, possibly Harry's age. Also there was little Neville, Frank and Alice's boy, and he was sure that Harry would get along brilliantly with them both.</p>
<p>Harry wouldn't just be around wizards. Sirius had plans to take the youngster into Muggle London, relying on Remus to show them the way around, of course. Remus would take them to all the fun places, to walk down the Embankment, to see shows, to have picnics, and to find a little children's playground and let Harry run around with other children, sliding down the slide, getting pushed on the swings, just having the time of his life.</p>
<p>He wouldn't have his parents, but in his dreams, Harry had Sirius and Remus, and although they would never replace James and Lily, he knew that Harry would have been happy with them.</p>
<p>When Harry was a bit bigger again, the three of them would climb onto his motorbike, or car because Remus would <em>insist</em>, and they would do bigger trips, ones more suited to Harry's age. Sirius recalled when they went bowling earlier that year for Remus' birthday, something him and James had laughed and scoffed at. What Muggle thought up throwing a heavy ball at some pins. How completely <em>insane</em>.</p>
<p>Until they realised just how hard it was, and both of them dragged their team down in points. Remus had won easily, even with Sirius' abysmal score. He recalled seeing children with a special slide contraption that allowed children to roll the balls down. Harry would use that, or they would cast a spell on his bowling ball to make it lighter to use. The boy would love that, and the zoo. Of course they'd go to the zoo. Remus had promised to take Sirius for his next birthday, but by the time the birthday rolled around, Sirius had already been locked up.</p>
<p>But the zoo. One day they would go there, the three of them. He would show Harry around. The penguins, the monkeys, and the lions. Especially the lions and he would talk about Gryffindor and tell Harry about how brave his parents were - true Gryffindors, where Harry would end up when he attended Hogwarts once he was eleven.</p>
<p>Of course Harry would listen to good music, Sirius briefly wondered what music was like now. He wasn't sure how much time had passed, but there must be some different music. He wondered if Remus thought about him, and when interesting songs came on, did Remus listen to them and think how Sirius would like the song too? Was Remus there to teach Harry about the good music, the stuff that Sirius always played? Did Remus still even listen? Remus.</p>
<p>
  <em>His Remus. All alone. </em>
</p>
<p>He shook his head. Back to parenthood. Pretending was better. Pretending stopped him feeling like he would die there. </p>
<p>Him and Remus standing at Harry's bedroom door, after tucking the blankets around him and kissing him goodnight. The boy would demand his night-light, which he would tend to, as Remus would make sure that Harry had his stuffed stag - Prongs in his arms. One day they would tell Harry about the real Prongs the Stag, but for now, it wasn't important. It was always nice to have something new to tell Harry, a new fact about his parents that would cause Harry's face to light up, his Lily-green eyes to widen as he asked questions. Once Harry was settled and asleep, him and Remus would head into the living room together, to enjoy their own private time. Sometimes it would be a bit of TV, or Remus would read a book, sometimes they had some time together.</p>
<p>Wait, if he knew about Prongs, would Sirius have to tell him about Padfoot at the same time? Sirius managed a smile at the very idea.</p>
<p>Harry would be the type to want a pet. That's why Lily bought that cat - because Harry had been interested in animals, and Sirius wondered what Harry would make of Padfoot. He would be very gentle of course, and Remus would life Harry onto Padfoot's back and he'd walk carefully, slowly around the room or garden. It would make Harry happy. Dogs were better than cats, everyone knew that.</p>
<p>Maybe not dog-back rides, maybe a beginners child broomstick instead. He would be flying next to Harry, and Remus would be standing, watching, panicking that Harry would fall and hurt himself, which would always be a risk that could happen, but Harry was a Potter. He could handle a scraped knee better than anyone, plus Remus would be there with a variety of spells and potions to clean him right up. Remus knew all the spells because of the full-moon.</p>
<p>
  <em>The full moon. When was the next one? Who was with Remus these days? Was Remus alone?</em>
</p>
<p>No. Back to Harry. He forced his thoughts away from that dark path.</p>
<p>A couple of years passed in his head, and he saw an older Harry, one that was ready to go to the theatre with him and Remus. There would be a good show, and Remus would enjoy himself immensely because Remus had enjoyed a twice-yearly trip with his parents, and it would be a tradition carried on. Sometimes they would eat somewhere special afterwards, other times, they would head to McDonald's and Harry would get a meal that came in a box with a toy and a milkshake.</p>
<p>He almost had the energy to smile when he pictured one morning where he woke up early, and came in the living room, to find Remus and Harry hurriedly trying to hide chocolate wrappers. Of course it would be Remus that would indulge his sweet tooth, offering him Sugar Quills and Chocolate Frogs. Remus would probably be the one to teach Harry things like baking, and make him interested in books and reading, but Harry would get that from his Lily genes.</p>
<p>His James genes would be more about Quidditch, and becoming a professional player, and having awesome hair. No, there was a lot more. His loyalty to his friends, his ability to look past labels and names, well, except when it came to Slytherin, after all, how many people would give a Black a chance in Gryffindor. James was the only one at first, the rest followed his example. Natural born leader. Also, James was the one to work out about Remus being a Werewolf, and again, he led the group to acceptance. Sirius had struggled, as he still held onto some of his parents beliefs on dark creatures, but it was Remus, and Remus was the shining light that pulled him through each time he struggled with life.</p>
<p>
  <em>There was no shining light anymore, he was alone. Remus was alone. Where would Harry be? Who would be looking after him? Had Remus moved on? Did Remus cuddle someone else at night? Did someone else tend to his cuts and scars and tell him that everything will be fine?</em>
</p>
<p>He shook his head more violently. Back to Parenthood, he demanded of himself, slipping straight back into his thoughts. It kept him as sane as he could be. It was his escape from the cold and the dark and the... the...</p>
<p>Once Harry reached eleven, he could see himself and Remus leading Harry to the platform for the first time, and showing him how to cross the barrier. Remus would go through first, as an example (because he wouldn't trust Sirius not to make a show of it and pretend to bounce off the wall), and Sirius would run side by side next to Harry, and Remus would have a camera to take a picture of Harry's look of disbelief and he realised that he had just run through a wall, and that the Hogwarts train was right in front of him.</p>
<p>He would get on that train, excited about school, and he would sit with Neville and Ronald, and maybe some Muggleborns. Every group needed a Muggleborn. Every group needed their own precious Lily.</p>
<p>He would pretend to be excited for Harry as the train doors closed, and the train moved away, but both him and Remus would be lost without the boy they had raised for almost ten years. They would see him on the holidays, and he would write, and they would always reply. But they'd be lost without him, but at least they'd have each other.</p>
<p>He would argue with Remus about becoming professors in the school, so Harry wasn't lost without them, and Remus would smile that adorable smile of his, and explain that Harry would want what every kid wants - to have his parents at home and not hassling him at school.</p>
<p>That was exactly it. They may not have been Lily and James, but Harry was their son now, and they were his parents, and it would stay that way until they were dead and gone, and Harry finally slipped away too. They'd all met again in their deaths, and Sirius and Remus could proudly lead Harry to Lily and James, and show their friends that they done everything in their power to give Harry the best life ever, they treated Harry as their own son. That they raised him in a way that would make James and Lily forgive him for suggesting that Peter be the secret keeper.</p>
<p>
  <em>No. No deaths. Remus as Harry. Focus.</em>
</p>
<p>He would look forward to the owls each week. They would tell the tales of Harry and his friends, telling of their adventures, their exploits and their torment of the Slytherins. Didn't Lucius and Narcissa have a boy - Draco? Slytherin certainly. Harry and his arch-enemy, Draco. Just like the Marauders and Snape.</p>
<p>Remus would send owls back, telling Harry to focus on his studies, dealing with problems that arose, and making sure Harry was looking after himself. Sirius would read those letters, and fill the rest of Remus' parchment with stories, interesting things, how much they missed Harry, and the location of the Marauder's Map, along with plans on how Harry can retrieve it. He would also give Harry the invisibility cloak. (Without Remus knowing of course, though Remus would find out and pretend that he wasn't aware).</p>
<p>The letters would always end with how proud they were of Harry, and how much they loved him, and they would count down the days until the little green-eyed version of James came back for his holidays.</p>
<p>He could see Harry growing up like James, but with Lily's compassion, Lily's kindness. He already had Lily's eyes, and she had the kindest eyes he had ever seen. Harry would be kind like her.</p>
<p>He could imagine the day that he sat Harry down and explained to him about Animagus, and how both him and James could transform into animals. He would find the stuffed stag from Harry's shelf, and bring it into the room, and tell him about how he bought Harry the toy because it reminded Sirius of James. Harry would demand to see Sirius' form - just like his father, making demands. Padfoot would make his appearance, and Harry would grin and laugh, as he recalled memories from the past where he had played with a large black dog in the garden.</p>
<p>The question would be asked as to why they had transformed, and if they hadn't already told Harry, that would be the part where they would tell him about Remus' Lycanthropy. Harry would take it as Lily and James took it, with so much acceptance, because Remus was his family, and he knew Remus was a good man, a good father, and Harry would understand why they kept it to themselves. He would understand the prejudice in the world and realise why Sirius and Remus were fighting against everyone and everything for equal rights.</p>
<p>The Dementors came and broke up his dreams time and time again. They tried to take away his thoughts of him and Remus bringing up Harry, but he held onto them. He didn't have a lot left, and the thought of Harry and Remus was the only thing that allowed him to keep his mind.</p>
<p>To keep what little of his sanity he had left.</p>
<p>As days turned into weeks, and those became months and years, they were all that Sirius had left to cling to. His little fantasy world, where he and Remus brought up Harry Potter as their own son.</p>
<p>Until one day he received a newspaper, and looked at the date, and saw a picture that changed it all.</p>
<p>They didn't have to just be dreams anymore.</p>
<p>
  <em>Remus, Harry, I'm coming.</em>
</p>
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